I'm constantly using about writing a post but obviously - a whole lot of time has gone by since my last. A son has graduated from high school (youngest) and is now away at college. Another son has married and just celebrated his 1 year anniversary. Clearly, life marches on and I am allowing my experience to remain undocumented. Perhaps I'll do better in 2013.
The post-holiday mop up has yet to begin - my birthday was yesterday so it was a mish-mash of celebration and getting a grip. Today we leave to the mountains for a family weekend - fun but requiring some efforts to gather long unused snow equipment and clothing. After Prince91's snowboarding accident six years ago, helmets have become an added essential element - so some scrambling to get a couple more of those has been fun.
My youngest son just walked through the living room at the ungodly hour of 8am (ungodly for an 18 year old, unprompted by his mother). Surprised to see him up so early during vacation, I greeted him and asked him why he was up. He told me he and his friends (from school) had an agreement to go to First Friday Mass - and that's where he's headed. One more evidence that he's at the right school (Catholic University in DC) and that his faith is his own.
And that's the question of the moment - a recurring one for me - How did that happen? How does that transition from family enforced practice to personal ownership occur - and how can programs and processes in the parish help it to happen in families lives? It's the question I ask professionally, personally and religiously.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
We have all that we need.
Matthew 15:29-37
Jesus went on from there and reached the shores of the Sea of Galilee, and he went up into the hills. He sat there, and large crowds came to him bringing the lame, the crippled, the blind, the dumb and many others. The crowds were astonished to see the dumb speaking, the cripples whole again, the lame walking and the blind with their sight, and they praised the God of Israel.
But Jesus called his disciples to him and said, "I feel sorry for all these people; they have been with me for three days now and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them off hungry, they might collapse on the way." The disciples said to him: "Where could we get enough bread in this deserted place to feed such a crowd?" Jesus said to them: "How many loaves have you? Seven, they said, and a few small fish." Then he instructed the crowd to sit down on the ground, and he took the seven loaves and the fish, and he gave thanks and broke them and handed them to the disciples who gave them to the crowds. They all ate as much as they wanted, and they collected what was left of the scraps, seven baskets full.
Sacredspace.ie asks of the daily reading - what are you saying to me, Lord? And it jumps out at me today. All the needs of our world that seem so overwhelming, all the needs of my parish where I work, that I don't think I have the resources to address - I actually have plenty - if I turn to Jesus to feed the masses. I feel like I've been fiddle faddling (an ancient theological term) and spinning my wheels on trivia or on procrastinating from planning because I don't see how we'll ever do what needs to be done, how we'll become what we should be as a church. But that is not really my problem. That is God's problem and I need to turn to him to multiply the loaves and feed the people.
Jesus went on from there and reached the shores of the Sea of Galilee, and he went up into the hills. He sat there, and large crowds came to him bringing the lame, the crippled, the blind, the dumb and many others. The crowds were astonished to see the dumb speaking, the cripples whole again, the lame walking and the blind with their sight, and they praised the God of Israel.
But Jesus called his disciples to him and said, "I feel sorry for all these people; they have been with me for three days now and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them off hungry, they might collapse on the way." The disciples said to him: "Where could we get enough bread in this deserted place to feed such a crowd?" Jesus said to them: "How many loaves have you? Seven, they said, and a few small fish." Then he instructed the crowd to sit down on the ground, and he took the seven loaves and the fish, and he gave thanks and broke them and handed them to the disciples who gave them to the crowds. They all ate as much as they wanted, and they collected what was left of the scraps, seven baskets full.
Sacredspace.ie asks of the daily reading - what are you saying to me, Lord? And it jumps out at me today. All the needs of our world that seem so overwhelming, all the needs of my parish where I work, that I don't think I have the resources to address - I actually have plenty - if I turn to Jesus to feed the masses. I feel like I've been fiddle faddling (an ancient theological term) and spinning my wheels on trivia or on procrastinating from planning because I don't see how we'll ever do what needs to be done, how we'll become what we should be as a church. But that is not really my problem. That is God's problem and I need to turn to him to multiply the loaves and feed the people.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Remembering
The Suburban that seemed so essential to survival nine years ago, feels like an albatross when I go to fill it with gas these days. And I daily think longingly of a small car, a car with 32 mpg and an easy parking size. But this weekend I was so glad we still had the Suburban. We hit the road to the OC around 11 on Thursday - heading to the fam down there for Thanksgiving. 5 big bodies in the back two seats fit - just. When Prince91 arrived home from college, the Princess pointed out that all 5 had not been together since last Christmas - lots of coming and going this past summer meant that they had all seen each other - but not at one time. It is so fun to see how much they enjoy being together. They made up for lost time in a hurry, loud and boisterous and silly. Within minutes of hitting the road, a the ABC game was in full swing - and loudly. After several rounds of that, we settled into listening to some music and some ways down the road, Taylor Swift sang about her mom, her family.
I had the Best Day (with you)
I'm five years old and it's getting cold
I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you
I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides
Look now the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home
I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today
I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop till I forgot all their names
I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today
I have an excellent father
His strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother
Inside and out he's better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you
There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world
Now I know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine and I didn't know if you knew
So I'm taking this chance to say that I had the best day with you today
I closed my eyes as I listened and I was flashing on memories of little bodies and loose limbed hugs. I could see my little ones running through leaves, skipping and shouting. And I remembered a couple of the princess' experiences of "the mean girls" and the comfort I tried to give. I remembered playdough on the kitchen table and crafts with brown paper bags and pool parties with a million kids. At this season in our life, with big tuition bills and an ancient kitchen, it's easy to start second guessing our choice to have me be a SAHM for 20 years. But in a moment, it was all there before me again and I was full of emotion, sorrow and joy all at once. I had the best day (with you - all).
I had the Best Day (with you)
I'm five years old and it's getting cold
I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you
I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides
Look now the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home
I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today
I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop till I forgot all their names
I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today
I have an excellent father
His strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother
Inside and out he's better than I am
I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you
There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world
Now I know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine and I didn't know if you knew
So I'm taking this chance to say that I had the best day with you today
I closed my eyes as I listened and I was flashing on memories of little bodies and loose limbed hugs. I could see my little ones running through leaves, skipping and shouting. And I remembered a couple of the princess' experiences of "the mean girls" and the comfort I tried to give. I remembered playdough on the kitchen table and crafts with brown paper bags and pool parties with a million kids. At this season in our life, with big tuition bills and an ancient kitchen, it's easy to start second guessing our choice to have me be a SAHM for 20 years. But in a moment, it was all there before me again and I was full of emotion, sorrow and joy all at once. I had the best day (with you - all).
what do I need?
"God is not foreign to my freedom.
Instead the Spirit breathes life into my most intimate desires,
gently nudging me towards all that is good.
I ask for the grace to let myself be enfolded by the Spirit." (sacredspace.ie)
When I come to prayer, I'm trying not to advise, counsel and order God to do my bidding - but rather to ask for the grace to be what I'm called to be. That means the grace to love in midst of chaos or struggle, in the face of others' foibles and flaws. That means the grace to be generous when I feel self concerned, when my preference is not being met. And that means the grace to know when to speak to a problem and when to be silent (without sulking), the grace not to sulk or become sullen, and the grace to know when something is my problem - and when it is not. Of course, too often (for my preference) the problem is both mine and the other's - and the boundaries are not always clear.
I find that when I run into conflict or frustration with the way something is developing, my coping is to hide in some way. Not physically, but in a book or some kind of reading or distraction. I wish I could say that when I'm upset I clean or I organize - that would mean my house would be much more orderly.
But being tired is often part of the frustration - wanting/needing some help with something around the house, feeling stymied in getting it without asking AGAIN for it from someone. So, sometimes I go on strike - not loudly or publicly - if possible, I just ignore what needs doing and do what I want to do.
Not so unusual, I think.
Instead the Spirit breathes life into my most intimate desires,
gently nudging me towards all that is good.
I ask for the grace to let myself be enfolded by the Spirit." (sacredspace.ie)
When I come to prayer, I'm trying not to advise, counsel and order God to do my bidding - but rather to ask for the grace to be what I'm called to be. That means the grace to love in midst of chaos or struggle, in the face of others' foibles and flaws. That means the grace to be generous when I feel self concerned, when my preference is not being met. And that means the grace to know when to speak to a problem and when to be silent (without sulking), the grace not to sulk or become sullen, and the grace to know when something is my problem - and when it is not. Of course, too often (for my preference) the problem is both mine and the other's - and the boundaries are not always clear.
I find that when I run into conflict or frustration with the way something is developing, my coping is to hide in some way. Not physically, but in a book or some kind of reading or distraction. I wish I could say that when I'm upset I clean or I organize - that would mean my house would be much more orderly.
But being tired is often part of the frustration - wanting/needing some help with something around the house, feeling stymied in getting it without asking AGAIN for it from someone. So, sometimes I go on strike - not loudly or publicly - if possible, I just ignore what needs doing and do what I want to do.
Not so unusual, I think.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
learning to pray - again
Over and over again, I have to learn to pray. Sometimes it's about the need for a new approach - a new perspective. Sometimes its about reestablishing the practice, the discipline. This morning I returned to http://www.pray-as-you-go.org/ - I'd forgotten how lovely that resource is - with its absolutely beautiful music from Taize, it's reflection on the readings and its questions for my reflection. Quite the jumpstart for an encounter with God. I feel connected, more peaceful, more purposeful. Thank you Jesuits. Thank you God.
Prayer is so idiosyncratic, so particular to each of us. To state the very obvious, each person's experience is as unique as the individual. When I pray, when I become silent, inside and out, I sense energy and power all around me and empowering me - for love, for patience, for generosity. It's deep and vibrant and comforting and makes me feel like I can soar.
I want to radiate the love I experience. I want to connect with everyone - and in prayer - I do.
Prayer is so idiosyncratic, so particular to each of us. To state the very obvious, each person's experience is as unique as the individual. When I pray, when I become silent, inside and out, I sense energy and power all around me and empowering me - for love, for patience, for generosity. It's deep and vibrant and comforting and makes me feel like I can soar.
I want to radiate the love I experience. I want to connect with everyone - and in prayer - I do.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Maternity, then and now
I love having children. I have loved having children. I am loving children.
I heard something about the mission of motherhood today - and its call on every woman's life - childbearing or not. I heard that its in a woman's nature to carry life to the world - not just physical life but spiritual life - and that this is God's gift to woman, and His call.
Tonight I had a little piece to present at the 1st year confirmation program's introductory parent meeting. Basically, my pitch to parents to nurture their own faith in order to nurture their kids. "You are the primary educators of your children." That kind of stuff. At the last minute I thought to bring several great books I've been offering for sale - hadn't thought to sell them at meetings - but I did buy them for parents and others with questions about how to talk about Jesus, the Church, Mass, prayer. I also suggested joining our Bible Study, coming to a Marriage Workshop, saving a date for a retreat...
Quite a response to my offer of the books. And I am reminded of how fraught raising teens is, in so many ways. It's hard to talk to some teens about anything at all. And if they do ask tough questions, they tend to stymie parents. My suggestions focus on a delicate balancing act. As the parent(s), we have a right and responsibility to determine how our household functions - especially as regards expected routines and behaviors. It is perfectly reasonable - and desirable - to say "We go to church as a family every (barring emergencies) Sunday". It is not reasonable to respond to a query or challenge about belief with "Because I said so", "Because our family is Catholic" or other shut down answers. The teen years are important years for asking questions about meaning, identity, choices....
I heard something about the mission of motherhood today - and its call on every woman's life - childbearing or not. I heard that its in a woman's nature to carry life to the world - not just physical life but spiritual life - and that this is God's gift to woman, and His call.
Tonight I had a little piece to present at the 1st year confirmation program's introductory parent meeting. Basically, my pitch to parents to nurture their own faith in order to nurture their kids. "You are the primary educators of your children." That kind of stuff. At the last minute I thought to bring several great books I've been offering for sale - hadn't thought to sell them at meetings - but I did buy them for parents and others with questions about how to talk about Jesus, the Church, Mass, prayer. I also suggested joining our Bible Study, coming to a Marriage Workshop, saving a date for a retreat...
Quite a response to my offer of the books. And I am reminded of how fraught raising teens is, in so many ways. It's hard to talk to some teens about anything at all. And if they do ask tough questions, they tend to stymie parents. My suggestions focus on a delicate balancing act. As the parent(s), we have a right and responsibility to determine how our household functions - especially as regards expected routines and behaviors. It is perfectly reasonable - and desirable - to say "We go to church as a family every (barring emergencies) Sunday". It is not reasonable to respond to a query or challenge about belief with "Because I said so", "Because our family is Catholic" or other shut down answers. The teen years are important years for asking questions about meaning, identity, choices....
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Thoughts in the dark
The house is almost empty this weekend. Is it a bad sign that I so welcome the emptiness?
As I woke to a wide open day with few demands but plenty to fill it, I lay in bed probing my emotional state. Yesterday was not demanding either - quite a change of pace - and I got very little done. I'm plagued with a vague dissatisfaction and trying to identify its source. A little prayer, a little thinking - aha - I have it. I'm not believing my narrative. My perspectives have shifted - God's still the center - but the consequences of that orientation are up for evaluation - and I'm uncomfortable.
So, for the first time all week, I prayed first today. Picked up Anthony Bloom's "Courage to Pray" and did it. He says some challenging things about coming to prayer with integrity - being authentic and not pretending to be someone else altogether. He also point out that we often seek a mystical experience - when we should be seeking repentance and conversion. And that's a risky thing.
So, I talked to God about my "authentic" self. About how I feel, what I fear, about my need for gratitude and wisdom and perspective. Life is changing right before my eyes. And things are good, life is full and I am grateful. But there's this shift in perspective I'm experiencing, an expansion of my horizon that I'm tempted to apply to my past - which is a hazardous thing to do. When I look back on some of the choices that I, that we have made, I need His eyes. JPII so often said "Fear Not" but I think I had some underlying fears. When I try to put those fears into words they sound ridiculous - or reasonable. But the critical issue, whether the fears were ridiculous or reasonable, is my trust in God. Sara created a lot of problems when she failed to trust God's promise to Abraham. Haggai's offspring have been at odds with Sara's ever since Sara took things into her own hands to ensure the fulfillment of God's promise to Abraham. It's a classic problem. Trusting God takes practice - and courage. Working on that.
As I woke to a wide open day with few demands but plenty to fill it, I lay in bed probing my emotional state. Yesterday was not demanding either - quite a change of pace - and I got very little done. I'm plagued with a vague dissatisfaction and trying to identify its source. A little prayer, a little thinking - aha - I have it. I'm not believing my narrative. My perspectives have shifted - God's still the center - but the consequences of that orientation are up for evaluation - and I'm uncomfortable.
So, for the first time all week, I prayed first today. Picked up Anthony Bloom's "Courage to Pray" and did it. He says some challenging things about coming to prayer with integrity - being authentic and not pretending to be someone else altogether. He also point out that we often seek a mystical experience - when we should be seeking repentance and conversion. And that's a risky thing.
So, I talked to God about my "authentic" self. About how I feel, what I fear, about my need for gratitude and wisdom and perspective. Life is changing right before my eyes. And things are good, life is full and I am grateful. But there's this shift in perspective I'm experiencing, an expansion of my horizon that I'm tempted to apply to my past - which is a hazardous thing to do. When I look back on some of the choices that I, that we have made, I need His eyes. JPII so often said "Fear Not" but I think I had some underlying fears. When I try to put those fears into words they sound ridiculous - or reasonable. But the critical issue, whether the fears were ridiculous or reasonable, is my trust in God. Sara created a lot of problems when she failed to trust God's promise to Abraham. Haggai's offspring have been at odds with Sara's ever since Sara took things into her own hands to ensure the fulfillment of God's promise to Abraham. It's a classic problem. Trusting God takes practice - and courage. Working on that.
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