The house is almost empty this weekend. Is it a bad sign that I so welcome the emptiness?
As I woke to a wide open day with few demands but plenty to fill it, I lay in bed probing my emotional state. Yesterday was not demanding either - quite a change of pace - and I got very little done. I'm plagued with a vague dissatisfaction and trying to identify its source. A little prayer, a little thinking - aha - I have it. I'm not believing my narrative. My perspectives have shifted - God's still the center - but the consequences of that orientation are up for evaluation - and I'm uncomfortable.
So, for the first time all week, I prayed first today. Picked up Anthony Bloom's "Courage to Pray" and did it. He says some challenging things about coming to prayer with integrity - being authentic and not pretending to be someone else altogether. He also point out that we often seek a mystical experience - when we should be seeking repentance and conversion. And that's a risky thing.
So, I talked to God about my "authentic" self. About how I feel, what I fear, about my need for gratitude and wisdom and perspective. Life is changing right before my eyes. And things are good, life is full and I am grateful. But there's this shift in perspective I'm experiencing, an expansion of my horizon that I'm tempted to apply to my past - which is a hazardous thing to do. When I look back on some of the choices that I, that we have made, I need His eyes. JPII so often said "Fear Not" but I think I had some underlying fears. When I try to put those fears into words they sound ridiculous - or reasonable. But the critical issue, whether the fears were ridiculous or reasonable, is my trust in God. Sara created a lot of problems when she failed to trust God's promise to Abraham. Haggai's offspring have been at odds with Sara's ever since Sara took things into her own hands to ensure the fulfillment of God's promise to Abraham. It's a classic problem. Trusting God takes practice - and courage. Working on that.
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