Remembering

 The Suburban that seemed so essential to survival nine years ago, feels like an albatross when I go to fill it with gas these days.  And I daily think longingly of a small car, a car with 32 mpg and an easy parking size.  But this weekend I was so glad we still had the Suburban.  We hit the road to the OC around 11 on Thursday - heading to the fam down there for Thanksgiving.  5 big bodies in the back two seats fit - just.  When Prince91 arrived home from college, the Princess pointed out that all 5 had not been together since last Christmas - lots of coming and going this past summer meant that they had all seen each other - but not at one time. It is so fun to see how much they enjoy being together.   They made up for lost time in a hurry, loud and boisterous and silly.  Within minutes of hitting the road, a the ABC game was in full swing - and loudly.  After several rounds of that, we settled into listening to some music and some ways down the road, Taylor Swift sang about her mom, her family.


I had the Best Day (with you)
I'm five years old and it's getting cold
I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you
I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides
Look now the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop till I forgot all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today

I have an excellent father
His strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother
Inside and out he's better than I am

I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine and I didn't know if you knew
So I'm taking this chance to say that I had the best day with you today


I closed my eyes as I listened and I was flashing on memories of little bodies and loose limbed hugs. I could see my little ones running through leaves, skipping and shouting.  And I remembered  a couple of the princess' experiences of "the mean girls" and the comfort I tried to give.  I remembered playdough on the kitchen table and crafts with brown paper bags and pool parties with a million kids. At this season in our life, with big tuition bills and an ancient kitchen, it's easy to start second guessing our choice to have me be a SAHM for 20 years.  But in a moment, it was all there before me again and I was full of emotion, sorrow and joy all at once.  I had the best day (with you - all).

what do I need?

"God is not foreign to my freedom.
Instead the Spirit breathes life into my most intimate desires,
gently nudging me towards all that is good.
I ask for the grace to let myself be enfolded by the Spirit." (sacredspace.ie)

When I come to prayer, I'm trying not to advise, counsel and order God to do my bidding - but rather to ask for the grace to be what I'm called to be.  That means the grace to love in midst of chaos or struggle, in the face of others' foibles and flaws.  That means the grace to be generous when I feel self concerned, when my preference is not being met. And that means the grace to know when to speak to a problem and when to be silent (without sulking), the grace not to sulk or become sullen, and the grace to know when something is my problem - and when it is not.  Of course, too often (for my preference) the problem is both mine and the other's - and the boundaries are not always clear.

I find that when I run into conflict or frustration with the way something is developing, my coping is to hide in some way.  Not physically, but in a book or some kind of reading or distraction.  I wish I could say that when I'm upset I clean or I organize - that would mean my house would be much more orderly.
But being tired is often part of the frustration - wanting/needing some help with something around the house, feeling stymied in getting it without asking AGAIN for it from someone.  So, sometimes I go on strike - not loudly or publicly - if possible, I just ignore what needs doing and do what I want to do.
Not so unusual, I think.